Birthday!!

Someone just reminded me the other day that my birthday is just about a month away. It took me back to the years when I would be the one giving people one-month reminders for my birthday. Its difficult to understand how I am still the same person.

Why doesn't the idea appeal to me anymore? Have I become too old? While my concerns are not really about my physical ageing, what I am concerned about is my self. Is my self morphing or is my self eroding? In fact, why is it that I have this erosion monito activated at the back of my mind all the time?

Once again, I only have questions. Answers are an elusive these days. 

Dark valleys..

Hi my friend,

I say 'my friend' because whoever it is that you are, oblivious of the fact that I know you or  not, I am sharing my heart with you and that probably qualifies you to be my friend, so here goes..

Recently I have been feeling this gnawing feeling inside me. At first, I thought it was pain but its more than that. Then, I thought it was hurt but its more than that. I dug deep and I concluded that it was helplessness but then, it was more than that too. May be, its regret but its not that. So I need your help to decide what it is. Here's the thing,

I loved my husband before I married him. I love him now. And probably, I will always love him. And that is why I have a constant need for approval from him. My critical faculty chides me for it and my emotional faculty doesn't let me rest without it.

This gnawing feeling inside me doesn't seem to rest. This feeling which is definitely not positive, not warm, not amicable; it keeps returning once everything dies down and there's silence in the mind. It doesn't allow the silence to be replaced by peace. I don't know what to do about it because I don't know what it is but it does exist and its gnaws at me piece by piece.

Maybe, you might have an idea what it is.